Thursday, October 8, 2009

Learn how to be SUCCESSFULLY Single (Not as easy as you would assume)




I know you are thinking like "im single, how I am doing it wrong?" Well forget what you thought what being single was and READ THIS!! I have a few single friends who sometimes seem to be down or mad that they are xx years old and still single so being single is more of a punishment for them than an enlightening period. As you all may already know, I am in Grad school to become a marriage/relationship/family therapist so I read some interesting things in my books that sparks a thought in my brain "hmmm this is JUST WHAT I NEEDED TO SEE". I knew there was something I wanted to write about but I needed that additional spark and direction to be able to give you the best, most simple experience when reading. I know a lot of my writing seems to try to empower women with knowledge but this is for MEN AND WOMEN, and now.....
HOW TO BE SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE:

I can think back to my days and realize why I never saw being single as a BAD thing no matter how old or was or how long it was since I been physical with anyone, so people often thought I was WEIRD. Don't get me wrong, of course it’s great to be in a good, balanced relationship but for those who are single, or stuck in a bad relationship fearing to be single or be lonely so you put up with the BS, this one's for YOU. Its seriously time for people to stop sounding like a broken record with facebook or twitter statuses talking about their bad relationship, being single sucks, I wish I had someone to hold me like my friends do, blah blah blah. Rather than be mad/sad that you are single, how about you ADOPT being single as a personal CHOICE and a way of life to feel better about yourself? How about instead of posting disappointment statuses and how this or that partner is a jackass, you LEAVE THEM ALONE? HELLOOOO, ever consider the obvious?! You publically slam the person month after month showing us that you are scared of being lonely and putting up with it, how do you want your friends and family to see this person? Should we LIKE THEM? Your just making us hate your girlfriend or boyfriend for no reason, if they are not up to your standards..LEAVE them, YOU are now the official blame when we see any REPEATED drama stories, you’re not solving the problem as the person who is broadcasting, therefore you will be treated as THE PROBLEM by your friends and family.


We are human so it may be natural sometimes to wish you had someone to rub your feet, spend the nights with you, but those thoughts should not CONSUME you to the point where if you’re not getting this then you go into a temporary semi-depression. Embrace being single! When I was single I felt GOOD for a number of reasons, #1 I had control of my life, I did not let temptation force me to be dealing with some subpar chick just for a little attention and #2 I always knew when I decided to be in a relationship, it would be with someone of CHOICE, because being lonely can make some people do some STRANGE things and date some off the wall people who show them attention...NO GOOD!!
Back to my regular scheduled program before I get more off topic.......


Believe it or not, I learned there are steps to be successfully single. Some people find out the secrets on their own, some do not and it is a miserable time for them. The FIRST step to being successfully single is to APPRAISE YOURSELF!! What this means is to give yourself some damn credit sometimes!! If you are single, give yourself credit if you’re in school, working a good job, raising child (ren) alone or simply give yourself credit because you are not like other people who get tired of being single so they just jump in a relationship with a random guy/girl just to fill a void. For those that are in bad relationships and afraid to be alone, you deserve credit for 1. Recognizing that the state of your relationship is not looking good and 2. Whatever you are good at; whatever you do to help people, support people, etc just take a minute to give yourself a Pat on the back. Know that you ARE good in SOMETHING; everyone does something well no matter how much of a failure they may feel like they are.


Try this out, before you sleep every night, look in the mirror and tell yourself why you’re a good person. Or when you daydream, count out how many things you feel good about in a day that probably would not have happened if YOU did not do it, from work to the home environment.
Next is an ESSENTIAL step to being a successful single, DEVELOP A FRIENDSHIP NETWORK!! If you still have some good friends by your side, GREAT. For some undisclosed reason, a number of people seem to just DISS their family and friends when they get in a relationship or marriage, whether you’re still in the relationship or break up...THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING TO DO!! I went in on that in a different blog so I will not repeat myself here but, if you put your friends on the back burner then.....try to reconnect with them, hang out more often and for trust sake, you might wanna let them know that you realized you did kind of put them to the side while in your relationship, if you read this and feel that’s not a cool move then an apology to them will work WONDERS, trust me on that one. If you have no friends you can re-connect with, be a little more open; don’t be scared to make new friends at school, the workplace, facebook, twitter or wherever you socialize at. Fellas, challenge yourself and go meet other guys who are cool, easiest place I know to do that is at the gym or at work. Ladies, same thing, instead of disliking females, when you see them, smile and say what’s up to people, talk to classmates, socialize with coworkers and don't brush them off when they invite you out, even if you think it’s a corny outing.


Third, when you’re single, it really does not make sense for you to be anti-social and boring; you have nobody to bring your mood down besides YOURSELF!! Therefore you need to TAKE A CHANCE (Take RISKS!) Try some things you haven’t tried before, do little things; date different TYPES of guys/girls for a change. Simple things such as cutting your hair, changing the color or adding highlights can make you feel pretty damn good when you look at yourself in the mirror. As far as dating, we ALL have some kind of preferences but step outside of the box sometimes; you have no boundaries besides the ones you set for yourself. It is easy to say "oh I don’t wanna date outside my race, or I don’t like big girls, or I don’t like guys shorter than me" my 5 year old cousin can articulate thoughts like that!! Try something new, go on a date with someone that you simply would not have even considered dating before if the opportunity arises because you never know what you may find in the person, they may become your best friend, they may be your soulmate, they may turn into your girlfriend/boyfriend, who knows?! REMOVE YOUR JAIL BARS, and open your eyes, when you go to a buffet, you don’t like eating ONE kind of food do you? I don’t think so.....


Now when you DO happen to go on dates, please please please try to refrain from being silly, lol. DO NOT EXPECT TOO MUCH WHEN YOU GO OUT OR GO ON A DATE!! JUST GO OUT AND HAVE FUN!! People get it twisted sometimes, thinking when they go on a date, they HAVE TO find someone to settle down with, or when they go out to the club or a bar, they pay too much attention to meeting people and who they are not meeting. Thinking and acting like this will surely make you waste plenty of time in life and bring unnecessary stress!! If you go on a simple date, just take it for what it is, don’t try to find out family history, talk about your past relationships or worry about sex, just go day by day. If you had fun by the end of the day then you should feel good about the outing, rather than you EXPECTING things to happen. Try this when you go out next time, just go out with the intention to have FUN, even when you go out with friends, just chill and do what you do, stay in your own zone, you do not need to EXPECT anything to happen to make it a good night. I have been to countless college parties and I rarely consider going out to be a WHACK outing. I don’t expect anything, I don’t look to find a woman when I go out, so I just have fun with my friends and enjoy the music and/or the fact that I am not sitting at home. And when I USE to go on dates with women, I just lived for the day, no worries no expectations. If it was a good date then I went home feeling good; if it did not go to well, I STILL went home feeling well and cracking up to myself on the way home at how bad it went. Then you sleep and wake up, life goes on. If you are UNDER 50 years old and you are secretly searching for your husband or wife from a simple date or two then I hope my words have helped you so far because you are moving a little too fast for yourself. Goal is Cruise control, NOT crash and burn!


Another vital skill to acquire when single or if you are contemplating getting out of a bad relationship, YOU MUST DEPEND ON YOURSELF!! I don’t care what YOU THINK, but you do not need to depend on any man or woman (maybe besides your parents) for ANYTHING! When we came from our mothers Placenta, or from the test tube, if we did not have a twin then is assumed WE CAME INTO THE WORLD ALONE. You create bills on your own for the most part so act like it. Some people think they need a man or a woman to add to their income, or need to depend on someone to talk to them, do things for them or speak for them in situations. If you want that unconditionally then hire a LAWYER!! Other than that, the more you depend on a person, the more you will find yourself stuck in a place that you do not want to be in the future. If you can’t get somewhere by car, take the public Trans, if you feel lonely, find a productive hobby or alternate interest. If you're sorta kinda in a relationship with a person and you have this image that you want to live in a big house but you can’t pay the mortgage by yourself and you’re NOT even married........ What do you think will happen if that person ever leaves you?
A. you live together but are in a relationship anymore
B. the other person moves out and you can pay the full mortgage and bills on your own
C. You stress about how the bills will get paid, lose hair THEN get evicted for nonpayment of Mortgage


Which one sounds more common these days?? The message at the end of the day is: do things yourself, call the cable company and dispute a bill yourself, go shopping yourself, embrace taking care of your kid by yourself, the list goes on but you will feel ALOT more independent when you get it in your head that you are CAPABLE of handling common daily tasks, does a lot for your self esteem as well! And for those who want to say oh well I can’t sexually please myself....by myself...WHO TOLD YOU THAT LIE? Yeah it might not be the same, but sex should not be a WORRY because it can be so easy to get from random people, you depend on a person for sex, you depend on them to Screw with your emotions and add a notch to your belt for men or women that have scorned you, ITS TRUE. Guys who claim they don’t wanna touch themselves, you’re a fool! There is simply no other way I can say that, and women who say the same, especially the ones who say they NEVER explored themselves sexually, I will pray for you!! Deprive yourself if you welcome FRUSTRATION, be my guest but for those who wanna relieve some of the drama in their lives by thinking they need so and so for sexual purposes then you need to EXPLORE....YOURSELF...WEEKLY perhaps until eventually someone WORTHY can assist you with that. OPEN YOUR EYES..CLICK HERE (when your ALONE of course lol) Plenty of interesting sex toys for men and women to keep your sex dependence at a minimum while your single


Sixth in the path to be a successful single is to REJOIN YOUR FAMILY!! as I stated above, some people kinda shift AWAY from their family when they are in a relationship, but while you are single and when you need help getting out of that bad relationship, JOINING YOUR FAMILY and their functions are important. Call your people more often, visit your parents, brother, sister, cousins etc every week or at least every month. Family are the people who are going NOWHERE, they can hate you, but they still love you, aside from friends, these are the people you should be around for the love, TRUE Genuine love that you will feel when around them.


Lastly, in your quest to become a successful single, you should FIND AND OUTSIDE INTEREST!! I’m sure everyone has things they always wanted to try but never have, this is your time!! Get out there and see what you love and hate. Travel somewhere, try it out, go scuba diving, bowling, start writing a journal/blog, go to the gun Range, hunting, go to the gym often, go carting, play Whirly ball or just find SOMETHING NEW that you can at least try once that you may not have tried before. The more attached you are to an interesting activity; the more you will NOT think of being single as a bad thing. This works people, this works!!
To recap these steps to being a successful single, here they are, numbered in my book like this; I just put meaning to the words from a more relative perspective with my peers. Try at least SOME of these steps for real though, you will feel better about yourself gradually if you happen to be down about being single, or SCARED to be single and leave your failing relationship so you stick around due to your dependence of a MAN or a WOMAN, do they make you? NO! Can they BREAK YOU? YES!
Use single time to get to know yourself better, bond with friends better and appreciate your family. Consider single hood as a CHOICE and come to peace with it. Half the people I see in relationships do not even have an identity; it’s just THEM OR THOSE TWO. They probably would not know how to function without the other person (which is why people commit suicide when they're relationship is over). Eventually:
YOU x ME = WE (healthy), Not WE = Me + YOU (Not Healthy).
There is a difference if you look CLOSELY, everyone is an individual though, if you are not married then you need not try to force merging networks when it is not the time to do so, Your network and their network come together to make good music. Only way to have YOUR network is to allow yourself to have a network, especially when single.
You as an individual + their NETWORK (friends and family) = what the hell happened to the individuals friends?! Something must be wrong with them.
You as an individual + them as an individual = one hell of a ride, a lot of annoyance with each other and a STRONG sense of dependence on each other that may hurt the future more than it helps it.


STEPS TO ENJOY SINGLEHOOD
1. Appraise yourself
2. Develop a friendship network
3. Take a chance (take risks)
4. Do not expect too much (go out.  And have fun)
5. Depend on yourself
6. Rejoin your family
7. Find an outside interest
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